


Creepypasta/Marble Hornets Crack. I Dunno...

by blue_assassin



Category: Creepypasta - Fandom, Marble Hornets
Genre: Crack, Humour, I am trash fir CP, I refuse to list them all cos there are too many, No Plot, pastas, so so random, what even do i tag for this, wierd
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 09:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25967290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_assassin/pseuds/blue_assassin
Summary: Honestly, I have no idea what I'm even doing with this. Ya know what though? I don't care! If you want headcannons, jokes, theories, ect, please keep reading. If you're looking for plot, might I suggest the dozens of other fics below and above this? Yer choice, mate :/Also, requests are open, but I do not know all the creepypastas, so here's a list of ones I'll do stuff for:Marbel Hornets- Hoodie and MaskyCreepypasta- Jeff the Killer, Jane the Killer, Nina the Killer, Eyeless and Laughing Jack, Slender, Trender, Splender, and Sexual Offenderman, Zalgo, Lazari, Stripes, BEN Drowned, Ticci Toby, Sally, Zero, Pupeteer, Jason the Toymaker, Candy Pop and Candy Cane, Smile Dog, Grinny Cat, Wendell Williams, Clockwork, (8/25/2020 edit) Nathan the Nobody, and...I think that's it. I may add more later if I remember or learn any more.
Comments: 50
Kudos: 8





	1. Toby+ Waffles and Gummy Worms Headcannons

-Waffles are literally the only Toby can make well

-But everyone at Slendermansion knows he makes some KICKBUTT waffles

-Like, they are just the lightest, fluffiest things on this freaking planet

-And he tries new things with them all the time

-Slender once saw him carefully lay a row of three gummy worms on top of a waffle and then, with utmost care, place a second waffle on top of that before meticulously pouring butter and syrup over it as if it were his ultimate masterpeice

-Toby them proceeded to walk out of the kitchen and sit down on the couch to eat his "gummy waffle sandwich" in front of everyone like he wasthe king of the world

-It became his favourite way to eat waffles


	2. BROOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

What the heckie, you guys??? How did it take me almost three years of being in the CP fandom to realize that EJ is technically a cannibal???? I mean, he eats human kidneys, so he's a cannibal, right? I'm not getting the wrong idea?


	3. Slender's New Wardrobe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trenderman and Splendorman make Slender a new clothing line. Nuff said.
> 
> A/N (cos my notes STILL aren't working!!!) This is 100% Self ingulgent and based of a headcannon someone posted on wattpad. Trender and Splendor are probably so cringily out of character, but I'm still gonna post it, and if they are, I apologize. ALSO!! There is a part you'll see that may need clearing up! I don't think of Ben, EJ, and Jeff as proxies (Just Toby and sometimes Masy and Hoodie even though the last two are technically MH). They just happened to be in the right place at the right time.

For the most part, Slenderman was able to keep himself out of his brothers' shenannigins. For the most part.

There was _one time_ , however, that they managed to get the better of him.

To this day, Slender isn't sure how they did it, but somehow, they managed to convince his proxies to get him out of the mansion so they could lock away all his usual black suits in a chest in the basement before proceeding to redo his entire wardrobe.

In hindsigt, he knew he should have seen it coming. Trenderman had been going on for weeks about, "depressingly outdated" his outfit choices were. "Seriously," he had said, who even wears Brioni anymore?"

And, of course, Splendor and Offender had included their input as well. "You have no eye for colour, _whatsoever_." Splendor had said, even Offender had noted that standard black suits had, "less sex appeal than Jeff in a dress."

So, of course, he was only mildly surprised when he walked into his office after chasing Toby around the forest for two hours, to find acouple (dozen) stacks of clothes on his desk. Jeff, Ben, and Toby laughed loudly from the doorway as Slender unfolded the admittedly fine line of clothing his brothers (though mainly Trenderman and Splendorman) had made for him. Four slate grey sweaters with his symbol emblazoned on the front corner, two black suits as was his usual, and about six different coloured button ups and ties a well as an assortment of socks, shoes, and cufflinks.

Oh no. Oh no no no, this would not do. He was the Slenderman, feared and revered by thousands of mortals acrosd the world. How on earth was he supposed to strike fear and terror into his victims hearts looking like _Beetlejuice?_ He needed to fix this immediately, he decided. He refused to be seen in these such bright and varried outfits.

Burned the cursed emblems.

So that's how Trender and Splender found their brother later that day, slowly tossing each item into a blazing bonfire.

"Slender!" Trender gasped as he approached, "What are you doing???"

Looking his brother straight in the...er...place his eyes _would_ be if he had any, Slenderman threw yet another sweater-vest into the flames

"Slender, no!!! That was Gucci!!!" Trenderman cried, apalled.

Slender didn't reply. He only tossed another peice of clothing into the fire without breaking eyecontact.

Splenderman and Trenderman watched in complete horror as their brother continued to throw item after item into the blazing fire. Honestly, you'd think they were being tortured with how much the two of them screamed.

"Slender, NO!! That was a $500 pair of shoes!!"

"Nooo, not the polka dot vest! I was so proud of that!"

"That was Prada, Slender! _Prada_ , you monster!!!"

"Slender!" Trender gasped with a warning edge in his voice, "Slender don't you dare burn that Batmain su-SLENDER, YOU BASTARD!!! That was almost a thousand dollars to make!!!"

"Have you no shame, Slender??" Splendor sobbed.

The two watched, bawling loudly and leaning dramatically against eachother as Slenderman dropped in every precious article and heartlessly watched it burn to ash.

Eventually, all Trender and Splendor's hard work had been completely reduced to cinders and Slender put the fire out. He watched his brothers whine pitifully as if they wee survivors of some great war or torture as they rose together and stumbled away, bemoaning Slenderman's "cruelty".

He himself, on the other hand, simply could not care less and sighed in exhasperation before returning to the manor to find his old clothes.


	4. Nathan the Nobody Heacannons cos he's one of my favourite pastas and he needs love

-He actually preferrs to keep his hair up despite it always being down in fanart cos it keeps out of his face when he's killing

-He rarely eats or sleeps which only adds to his psychosis

-When he does sleep thoug, he sees his sister in his dreams further solidifying his mindset that she's still alive

-He's also vegetarian, just fyi

-He will, no joke and no mercy, kill you if you even dare to imply that his sister is dead.

-So, yeah. If you want to live, don't do that o.o

-However, if you want a better shot at survival, some people have been known to hear him talking to "Crystal" before he kills them and have been able to get her to convince Nathan to spare them, though only rarely, by "talking" to her themselves.

-He really really super freaking loves Ciara

-Like, he'd never say it out loud, but he does.

-And he's super protective too. Literally, if you hurt her, you can kiss your life goodbye cos he's gonna find you

-Beacause of his constant need to hear something dripping, he has a specially modified sound box that just plays that noise 24/7 when he can't find a natural source

-He despises small rooms and is definitely a tad claustrophobic so he usually stays in relatively open places

-Sometimes he'll sit and just talk to Crystal for hours when he's not about to go into a rage/murder mood

-He canononnically has a sweet tooth, thus one way Ciara learned to keep him from going into killing mode as often is to shove a kit kat in his mouth before he can go to far in


	5. Spanish Yeet

Creepypastas: *chiilin at slender mansion*

Jeff: *Kicks down door wearing a sombrero and a fake mustache, weilding maracas* TIS I !! THE SPANISH YEET!!


	6. Question for y'all

Aight, mio amiche and amio, I have a question for you! Anyone know any french speaking CPs? It's for a personal project :/

Also, Jeff has an entire collection of different kinds of knives and he uses different ones for special occasions. Though he does prefer his original to all others and uses it the most often.   
You cannot convince me otherwise. I ship Jeff with his knife and I will take this hc with me to my grave XD


	7. Incorrect Quotes feat. Jeff the Killer

Ben: What's that?

Jeff: Smarty Cereal

Ben: Oh, I didn't know Smartie made cereal.

Jeff: They don't. I just put Smarties in cereal.  
________________________________

Jeff: Five years ago today, my dear brother died.

Liu: Stop telling people I'm dead, you twit!

Jeff: Sometimes I can still hear his voice.  
_________________________________

Slender: You gave Sally a knife?!

Jeff: She was feeling unsafe!

Slender: Not _I_ feel unsafe!

Jeff: I'm sorry...

Jeff: ...Do you want a knife?  
_______________________________

Jeff: I've come up with a new product! It's called Knife!

Jeff: Need to poke a hole? Use knife! Need to cut some paper? Use knife! Need to split something in half? Well in that case, you should probably use a saw or an axe, but in other cases, Knife! Knife, Knife, Knife! XD  
________________________________  
*aaaand a bonus cos it's too perfect*

Toby: Boy, it sure is muggy out today.

Clockwork: I swear, if I go outside and there's mugs all over the lawn...

Toby: *Nervously spits coffee into bowl*


	8. Idiot's Guide to Dealing With Sexual Offenderman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Spooky month guys!! Yaaaaaaaasssssss! *cheers in excited Hallows Eve fan* Now, as I said in the chapter title, this is your idiots guide to dealing with Offender if you should have the misfortune of coming across him!   
> Here we go:

Step One: Keep garden shears on you at ALL TIMES (but regular scissors will do in a pinch)

Step Two: Pull out said shears when he hands you a rose

Step Three: Cut off the flower othe rose with your shears

Step Four: Smile and leave and never talk to tall, faceles men in fedoras and trench coats ever again. No matter how sexy he seems.

Step Five: Congradulations! You survived Offender!

*Fun bonus: If you're lesbian, you have a wonderful advantage, don't you ;)


End file.
